Breed

What kind of dog is that?
Homer is an apricot-colored English Mastiff.

So is he a Bullmastiff?
No, just an English Mastiff or, if you prefer, just plain Mastiff.

Oh. Bullmastiffs are bigger, aren't they?
No, the average BullMastiff is a few inches shorter and around thirty pounds lighter than an English Mastiff. BullMastiffs were bred to be more aggressive versions of the Mastiff - they are approximately 60% mastiff and 40% bulldog. You can tell a BullMastiff by its shorter, thicker body and legs and its wider head with a more wrinkled forehead and shorter nose.

What's he mixed with?
Nothing (except other Mastiffs). Compared to the breed standard, Homer is slightly small and skinny. He's also much more active and fit that most Mastiffs you are likely to have seen. Still, he is 100% Mastiff, and has the papers to prove it.

No, I mean what kind of dog do Mastiffs come from?
You should be asking what kind of dogs come from Mastiffs! Most of the giant breeds (St. Bernard, Great Dane, etc.) come originally from Mastiff stock and most breeds you see with similar traits such as block heads (Rottweiler, Pit Bull Terrier) or the distinctive mask (Boxer, Pug) were originally bred from Mastiffs.

How old is the breed then?
The Mastiff is thought to have originated over 3,000 years ago. They were used as gladiator and fighting dogs in ancient Rome. Ghengis Khan is thought to have kept a stable of over a thousand Mastiffs. In the middle ages, Mastiffs were the dog of royalty in England and were bred to be more protectors and poacher-hunters than war dogs. In the past 500 years, much of the aggressiveness has been bred out of the breed and today they are thought of as "gentle giants".

I saw a dog like Homer, except he (was really wrinkled/was shorter and gray/etc)
Mastiffs can be colored apricot, fawn, silver-fawn, or brindle. There are also many other breeds of Mastiff, all originating from the base Mastiff stock. These include the Neopolitan or Italian Mastiff (gray-colored with many wrinkles, especially around the face and with large feet), the Cane Corso or Sicilian Mastiff (smaller, usually gray or black, ears and tail usually cropped/docked), the Dogue de Bordeaux or French Mastiff (smaller, big feet and head, like "Hooch" from the movie TURNER AND HOOCH), the Tosa-Kin or Japanese Mastiff (large and muscular, usually very aggressive, dark brown usually), the BullMastiff (Mastiff/Bulldog mix), the Brazilian Mastiff (looks much like a huge bloodhound), and the Tibetan Mastiff (longer hair).

 

Size

How much does that dog weigh?
Homer weighs in at around 165 pounds. He's slightly under breed minimum (170 lbs), so believe it or not he is a SMALL mastiff. (Update 6/26/01 - he's been holding steady at around 190 pounds for a year now. And he's fit.)

What do you feed him?
Homer eats Nature's Choice lamb & rice formula with Nutrea lamb & rice canned food. He gets 2000 migs of Vitamin C a day and some glucosamine for his hips. I don't give him any food with filler or preservatives. He also gets treats including meat and fruit (and okay, ice cream too), but I keep this below 5% of his diet.

How much does he eat?
About 10 cups a day on average. He goes through a 50-lb bag of dog food and a case of cans about every three weeks

What are his other vital stats?
Height: 32" at shoulder, 68" average when standing - Length: 48" nose to rump plus 19" of tail, Snout is 4" long - Waist: 38" - Chest: 43" - Neck: 24" - Head: 27" - Homeriness: Extreme to Unreal depending on mood

 

General

Is he friendly?
Homer is generally very friendly to both people and other dogs. He also likes cats but he scares the crap out of them. If your dog is large or very dominant or aggressive (especially male unneutered pits, rotts, or boxers) and bows up or growls at Homer, his protective instincts may kick in. Homer also likes to nip when he is trying to get a dog to play with him but he has never hurt another dog since he was fixed. (update: a year ago a great dane started running around my ex-wife and Homer nipping - when the dane snapped within an inch of her leg Homer put it in the hospital. So he's hurt ONE dog.)

So he's fixed?
Yes, we had him fixed in the spring of 1998 - after he was bitten severely in the testicles he became inconsistently aggressive and we decided to neuter the poor guy. His behavior improved remarkably about a month later and we have not had a major problem since..

Does that collar hurt your dog?
No. Prong or "pinch" collars look nasty but they actually evenly distribute any constriction which the dog feels as a slight pinch. You can yank on the collar with all your might and not hurt the dog. By contrast, a regular collar or a "choke chain" can easily bruise a dog's neck and are very likely to cut off their air supply.

WHAT did you just call him?
Although Homer's registered name is "Homer Incognito", in the park we usually call him "Homer" or "Ho-ho". Other pseudonyms for Homer are: Monkey, Snout Puppy, Wigger Woo, Hoter Hooter, Freak Boy, Don Homer, Punkin Butter, Monkey Butter, Snouter Snooter, and Monster.

 

Funny Stuff You Thought Was Clever

That's not a dog, that's a horse!
Homer is not a horse, nor is he a pony or some kind of dinosaur. Canis Familiarus, got it Cowboy?

You should put a saddle on him.
Man, never heard that one before! No, we don't saddle Homer, we don't sell rides to children, and he doesn't pull a plow.

Are you walking him, or is he walking you?
We're walking him. You are aware we're the dominant species on the planet, aren't you?

Can you control that beast?
No, this giant prong collar is just for show. We just take him out and watch him run amuck

I'd NEVER have a dog like that in MY house!
Thank God, with that attitude let's hope you stay away from the breed. Mastiffs are loving and loyal to a fault, but they deserve owners who will let them into their homes and hearts without reservation.